Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
