and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
