my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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