sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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