and you said cock pushups were impossible
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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