Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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