I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
