Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I supernannyed him into submission
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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