Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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