I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
