When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.