She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
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She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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