I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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