operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
