I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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