I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
