I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
