i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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