Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
