when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
