Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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