I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
