I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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