Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
