I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
