I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
