Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
