i will never coherently bang her
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.