Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit