its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.