I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?