i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
