so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
