How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
