i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
