who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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