bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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