Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
