My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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