he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
