What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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