my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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