Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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