talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
