Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
