so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
