any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
