my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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