I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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