separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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