My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
