When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
