I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
