we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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