I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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