He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
