i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if i can run in heels then i can drive
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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